Fic: Darkness I Live In (Buffy/Dean) Chapter Two

[blue_icy_rose]

Title: Darkness I Live In
Rating: R
Pairing: Buffy/Dean
Summary: After a demon attack, Buffy wakes up with no memories except her name and begins to travel with Dean and Sam. While on the road, Buffy and Dean grow closer. Post Chosen. (I so suck at summaries, lol.)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of them. Buffy belongs to Joss Whedon and the Winchesters belong to Eric Kripke. (Lucky bastards.) All the dialogue in Buffy's memory flashes are from episodes of season 7. The title of the story was inspired by Mary Lou Von Meter's poem, Heart of Darkness.
Author's Note: Sorry it took so long for an update on this one. Long story short, the laptop lost all the stories I had on it so I've been rewriting. This is my response to chosenfire's Memories Forgotten challenge at Route 66. If you'd like to see the requirements for the challenge, go here. You can also find this at Twisting the Hellmouth. Enjoy and feedback's always welcome!

Banner made by the awesome avamclean.

Previous Chapters


Buffy couldn’t quite hide the smile on her face as she looked down at the clothes on the bed. By the time Sam had been done with the laundry, most stores had been closed so they’d ended up going to Wal-Mart to shop. Sam had rolled his eyes when Dean had told her that he was pretty sure Wal-Mart was just a preview of what hell was like.

It hadn’t been so bad though. Sam had stuck around while she tried things on to figure out her sizes and even though Dean had wandered off for awhile, he’d made sure that she got clothes to work out in saying that it’d be more comfortable for her when she was learning to fight.

It was exciting, and even a little scary, that she would be learning to fight demons and spirits. As she thought about it, she realized that there was even a part of her that felt like it was just waiting.

“Buffy?”

She looked up to find Sam standing in the doorway. She blinked. “Sorry, what?”

He smiled. “We were going to go get something to eat. Are you hungry?”

“Starving actually.” She shrugged. “Who knew shopping could get a person so hungry?” she said as she stood and followed him out of the room.

“I didn’t, that’s for sure.”

“Didn’t what?” Dean asked, turning towards them as they reached the car. “Or do I want to know?”

Sam shook his head and Buffy grinned. She tilted her head back as she leaned against the car. “We didn’t know shopping was such work.”

“Of course it is. Look at everything you have to do. Looking for clothes, trying them on and all that crap. Give me an angry spirit any day.”

Buffy raised an eyebrow as she crawled into the backseat. “So you really hate shopping then, huh?”

“You have no idea,” Dean muttered. He paused as if just realizing that he might have offended her. “But you shop fast so it’s okay.” He shot Sam a look when he heard him snicker. “Shut up, Sam.”

“As fun as this is, could we go for food now?” Buffy interrupted, leaning forward so that her arms dangled over the seat.

“Buffy, banned from campus but not from our hearts, how are you and what’s for lunch?”

She frowned, trying to focus on the memory, growing frustrated when she couldn’t remember anything else. She sighed and fell back in the seat. What was the use of remembering little things like that if she wasn’t going to be able to remember everything else?

“Buffy?”

She looked up at the sound of Dean’s voice. “It’s nothing. Just...well, we were talking about food and then I remembered something that someone said to me about food but nothing else.” She paused as something else that had been said registered. “Oh God.”

“What?” Sam asked, turning in his seat.

“I think I was one of those kids that got kicked out of school.”

At that, Dean laughed. He just couldn’t picture Buffy as the type to raise hell in school and get kicked out. “Hey!” He frowned and glanced back at Buffy, rubbing the back of his head. “What did you do that for?”

“Don’t laugh. For all we know, I’m a serial killer.”

“You’re not a serial killer.”

“How do you know?”

He paused, giving his answer some thought. “You don’t remember anything.”

Buffy stared at him. “Is that your answer? Because that’s not going to work for me. Not remembering is the problem, not the answer.”

He shook his head. “Think about it, Buffy. Just because you don’t remember anything doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. When you lose your memories, you don’t become this whole new person. If you hated pickles before then you’re going to hate pickles when you try them again. It doesn’t change you. It just means you have to figure it all out again.”

She thought about that and then smiled. “Thank you.”

Dean shifted, obviously uncomfortable. “Yeah, well, you’re welcome. Now let’s go eat.”


~*~*~


Anger. She was so angry as she stared at the man standing there in her room. Who the hell did he think he was? Listening to him, she wanted nothing more than for him to go.

“So from now on, you’ll do what I say, when I say,” he told her, holding up a diary. “Or I show this to your mother and you’ll spend your best dating years behind the wall of a mental institution. Your mother and I are going to be happy. You’re not going to stand in the way of that. Sleep tight.”

He turned to walk away and she moved forward, grabbing at the hand that held her diary. She glared at him.

“That’s mine and you are not leaving this room with it.”

“Take your hand off me.”

She tilted her head back. “No.”

Pain exploded as he slapped her, his hand curled into a half fist. She felt herself hit the wall and then straightened.

“Oh, I was so hoping you’d do that.” She didn’t smile as she punched him in the jaw but it was a near thing. Instead she just let the satisfaction as flesh connected with flesh come over her. He straightened and backhanded her hard enough to send her crashing into her bed and then to the floor. She didn’t hesitate when she felt him grab her shirt collar she just kicked his shin.

“Buffy! Stop that!”

She knew that voice, knew the woman and knew that normally she’d make some effort to listen but not this time. Instead, she elbowed him in the face.

“Stop it!”

She kicked him in the chest and watched him stumble back into the hallway, causing the woman to move out of the way. She followed and punched him in the face again. He stumbled backwards again before briefly regaining his balance. She kicked him again and then sucked in a breath when he spun and fell down the stairs.

The snap when he reached the bottom seemed to echo.

The woman ran down the stairs and knelt next to him. “Ted?” She shook him. “Ted. Ted!” Nothing happened and she picked up his arm, searching for a pulse before looking up. “You killed him.”

Buffy’s eyes snapped open as she gasped, horror filling her. She glanced around the room and let out a breath when she realized that she was alone.

She closed her eyes as she remembered the dream and then shook her head. It hadn’t been a dream. It had definitely been a memory. Which meant that she’d killed a man.

“Oh my God,” she whispered, eyes opening. “I’m a killer.” She shook her head in denial, remembering what Dean had told her. “No, I’m not. I can’t be.” She took a deep breath. “I’m not. It was self-defense.” She closed her eyes and she shook her head again as she remembered what the sound of a neck snapping had been like.

Please let it have been self-defense.

Her eyes opened again at the sound of the door opening and she prayed that her thoughts weren’t showing on her face. She took another deep breath and then looked up, smiling.

“Hey, you’re awake,” Dean said as he walked in, a cup of coffee in each hand. The smile that had been on his face disappeared when he caught sight of her. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?” He looked around the room. “And where the hell is Sam?”

“Nothing.” Buffy shook her head. “It was nothing. It was just a bad dream.” The smile on her face was real this time as she watched him put the coffee down and go to the bathroom, pulling the door open. “You know, if Sam was in there, I don’t think he’d appreciate you just walking in without even knocking.”

Before Dean could say anything, the door opened again. He turned and frowned at Sam. “What the hell, dude? Where were you?”

Sam raised an eyebrow and held up the newspaper he’d bought. “I did say I’d be looking for a job. Kind of need the paper for that.” He looked between Dean and Buffy. “Why? Did something happen? I wasn’t gone that long.”

“Nothing happened. Dean’s just overreacting because I was still freaked out by a bad dream I had when he got here. I’m good now.”

“Bad dream?” Sam asked, a hint of interest in his tone.

She shrugged. “Yeah. I guess it’s not unusual for a person to have bad dreams after getting attacked by a demon though.”

“No, it’s not.” Dean walked over, grabbing his coffee. “We can start your training tomorrow if you want. Maybe it’ll help.”

“My training?”

“You do still want to learn how to fight, don’t you?”

Buffy smiled. “Definitely.”

Grinning, Dean nodded. “Okay. Then we’ll start your training tomorrow.”